The Pros and Cons of it all

Staying Overweight

Pros

1. Don’t have to do anything
2. Can hide behind weight
3. Comfortable
4. Don’t have to be accountable for my what I eat
5. Can watch lots of TV
6. Don’t have to sweat
7. Don’t have to explain why I can’t eat ‘X’
8. Don’t have to look to deeply into myself as to the reasons why I eat
9. I can stay lazy
10. I can eat anything I want

Cons

1. Lower life expectancy
2. Less energy
3. More self doubt
4. More self anger
5. More feelings of unworthiness
6. Can’t shop in ‘ladies’
7. Airplane seats are uncomfortable
8. Not a lot of energy to play with son
9. Sexual inadequacy feelings
10. Fertility (?)

Getting Fit, Healthy and Thin

Pros

1. Can shop at any store for clothing
2. Live longer
3. More energy
4. Physical body will match image in my mind
5. Better example for son
6. Sexual confidence
7. Self Respect
8. Be stronger
9. Wear less items with spandex
10. Fertility (?)
11. Feel comfortable getting my picture taken

Cons

1. Nothing to blame
2. Nothing to hide behind
3. Get rid of comfy clothing
4. What will I do with myself?
5. All those TV shows not watched
6. Exercise

So during the writing of this pros and cons list I realized I can be some of these right now, such as a better example for my son (granted he’s 2 but the thought is still there), I can have more self respect and be stronger. I know that I have been an all or nothing (which then translates into nothing) person. I was very motivated to just ditch this whole diet thing when I gained 2 pounds over the weekend. Now I was back to 234 after being down to 232. I was p-oed. Today I ate a chili cheese dog and some candy and figured I’ll just get back on track tomorrow. Then I read something, tomorrow never really comes. If I let the all or nothing, be absolutely perfect on my diet, etc get in the way of changing my life then I’ll be stuck at this weight forever and always be mad at myself for my short comings. So, the plan for the rest of the day is to have a healthy dinner and work out. I worked out yesterday (woohoo for me) and I actually lost a half a pound yesterday (I weighed before I worked out). I didn’t weigh myself today so who knows what the scale will read after my chili cheese fiasco will register on the scale.

Goal for tomorrow: weigh self, w/o, eat a better breakfast, and remember pros and cons.

Emotional Eating – Daddy Issues

Doesn’t everyone have ‘Daddy Issues?’ Mine always seem to center around my self-worth and my eating issues. I’ve tried over the past week to identify the ‘why’s’. My grandmother had a degree in nutrition. Her way of dealing with nonconformity was what she deemed as ‘being forthright’. It was more like teasing with a bitter edge or truth disguised as a tease. In reality her comments could be downright mean and nasty. Well, my father learned this skill very well and I do love my father, don’t get me wrong, but I hope never to develop this skill. Growing up my defense to this forthright teasing was threefold; one I became a very good liar, two I became a good sneak where food was concerned, and finally I would eat exaggerated amounts of whatever was told to me “I shouldn’t eat that.”

The lying has lasted until my adult life and sometimes it is my first instinct. I feel the need to lie about food intake. My ever patient husband is still dealing with the fall out of my instinctual lying. He has gotten very angry at me at times for lying about food. I have tried to explain that it is my first reaction and he just shakes his head. Now to his credit he will tell me “I am not your dad.” I have gotten better about not lying, but I still do it.

Being a sneak is first and foremost a horrible thing to be. I hide take out bags in the trash, throw out the garbage early, and squirrel food away. Of the three bad issues this one is so hard to stop myself from doing because I’m so good at it, I don’t get caught often. ::sigh:: This is what I want to work on this week.

Eating exaggerated portions out of spite is really misdirected anger. I don’t do this anymore. I think somewhere I realized that it only hurt me when I did it. It was meant to ‘show’ the other person that I could be in control of my own food.

One of the other emotional issues I work on is eating when I’m worried, bored, frustrated, upset or sad. I understand the chemical reasons people eat and get a mood boost; it stimulates endorphin production and the body/mind become satisfied. Part of the problem is that I am not as aware as I should be. I usually recognize what I am doing ¾ of the way through whatever I am eating at the time. My goal should be to keep busy or recognize my stress points like after dinner when I need something to do that is constructive.

On a happier note, since the 3^rd of January 2008 I have lost 7 pounds! I started at 239.8 and now am 232.8. Before the end of January my goal is to break the 230’s. As for my exercising 5X a week as I look at my calendar I see that reality is 3X a week. My goal for February then will be 4X a week.

The Beginning

I’ve thought a lot about how to begin this blog and to date I have not come up with anything clever so I’ll just begin at the beginning. I decided to start this blog as a way to keep myself honest about losing weight. I’ve always been heavy at least since I was in the first grade. At my heaviest I weighed 276 and that was in 2000. Over three years and in phases I lost 86 pounds. My husband and I decided to try and have a child. Then we had a series of miscarriages and with each loss I would gain about five to ten pounds. We conceived our son in 2005 and I was careful with my eating and only gained about 20ish pounds. After my son was born I hovered at 230s. Then when he was a year old I was approaching the 250s again and began panicking that I would eventually get back up to 276. I was able to get back into the 230s and we began to try for a second child and had two more miscarriages. New Years Day I weighted 243 again. I knew I wanted to start losing weight so I made my husband a deal, that if we did not get pregnant in December then I would take two months off and get my weight back towards what it was when I conceived my son. My first step was to start moving more.

My goals are to keep my calorie intake around 1300 and to exercise 20 to 30 minutes 5X a week with Wednesday and Sunday off. I have great hopes for my own journey.